Man Up: Nobody Cares About Your Fantasy Football Team

By Eric

I’m not playing fantasy football this year. Well, technically I am, but not in any league that I consider competitive or relevant. I have two teams, neither of which I pay attention to.

Every fall since about 11th grade, I took part in a league that I was legitimately invested in for the duration of the NFL season. Some were for money, some were for a lot of money, and some were just for pride (which is a nice way of saying a complete waste of time).

This year, I slacked on trying to find a competitive league, so I joined a couple of ones that were irrelevant (free) and figured I’d half-heartedly pay attention—which turned into no-heartedly about 30 seconds into the week one games.

(The fact that I missed one of the drafts altogether, and was paying infinitely more attention to a phone conversation than the picks for the other, probably wasn’t the best omen.)

What I’ve learned from my fantasy-less life thus far is twofold: 1. I don’t miss it. At all. And 2. Nobody wants to have a conversation with you about your fantasy football team. Ever.

Now, granted, the second point I already knew. Nobody cares about your fantasy football team. Not your friends. Not the other owners. Not your mom. Not your girlfriend. Nobody. Just you. Nobody wants to hear a story about how you got screwed over because Ray Rice was tackled on the 1-yard line and Joe Flacco QB sneaked for a touchdown, thus depriving you of a Rice touchdown and fantasy victory this week. NOBODY CARES.

You know who else this has happened to? Every SOB who has ever played fantasy sports in their life. Your longwinded story is boring, and halfway through I started running through random baseball stats, movie quotes, or easy-bake-oven recipes in my head. You know why? Because all of those things are a million times more interesting than your fantasy football story.

Nobody ever has, or ever will care. And, it becomes even worse when you are telling the story to one person you think cares amongst a group of people you know don’t care, because in reality, the person you think cares, doesn’t. Ergo, nobody in the room cares, which means you’re basically talking to yourself.

I’m not saying fantasy football should go away, I am quite certain I will play again in the future. I’m just saying people should stop pretending it is an interesting party conversation topic.

And to illustrate my point—or just for future reference—here are the top five things nobody wants to hear you talk about:

1. Your kids.

2. Poker.

3. Fantasy football.

4. Anything to do with your cat or dog that isn’t accompanied by an adorable photo.

5. Anything to do with your family that seems funny to you but nobody else will understand because they haven’t met your family.

Everyone has stories that they think are interesting and/or funny. Some of them are. Most of them … well … aren’t. So next time you’re considering kick-starting a conversation about your fantasy team, try throwing out your favorite easy-bake-oven recipe instead. I guarantee that will be a better conversation starter.